God's mysterious ways

My heart feels so heavy. Palpitations. Insomnia.

Something went wrong. I haven’t been myself ever since the second week of August. I was lost, isolate. I tried to be normal but still every one noticed and kept asking me what’s wrong.

I was supposed to keep it all to myself but I have to let it all out at some point.

The thing is I forgot about to apply some of the important lessons I learned.

I have been told that I’m special, that I should not let other people take me for granted, that I deserve the best, that I’m worthy, that I can only control myself, that they’re blessed to have me. Etcetera.

This certain person made me forget all of this.

Some say I’m a Masochist. Even if I’m in too much pain, at the end of the day I still hold on to that person who caused it.

I feel it’s 2009 all over again but this time, no physical pain but more on emotional and mental.

It has affected even my job interviews. I was in “Loose association”, a Psychological disorder that means, “series of ideas are presented with loosely apparent or completely inapparent logical connections” or in Filipino, “Lutang”.

I wondered why I’m always the victim.

I don’t want any of this but I know it’s necessary.

I want to be in a quiet place, on top of a mountain maybe, or a retreat house near a lake, alone just to unwind, reflect and straighten up.

This is my fault anyway.

My prayer time went from jumpy to sentimental.

God has been sending me messages through people, scriptures, books, tweets, and pictures that everywhere I look, I see assurance, security and love. He was giving me everything I need.

It was a difficult time for me especially that some of my friends seeks me for advice regarding their problems that I feel I’m not the right person for them to go to because I can’t even fix my own.

But God’s ways are mysterious.

It’s amazing how he still used me to help them go through.

I may not be okay but I feel so fulfilling.

Now I understand what “Love until it hurts no more” means.

I guess Nursing characteristics + God’s wisdom = Purely altruism.

It’s not about me anyway, It’s about God.

And God wants us to forget ourselves when serving.

:)